Thoughts on Life and Fear, Gratitude and Kindness
A commencement speech given at San Jose State University, May 24, 2014
by Nancy McFadden

I wrote this speech because I had to – I’d agreed to give a commencement address and winging it was not an option. I “published” my speech in this booklet because I wanted to – I wanted to share a part of me with you, my Family of Friends. With love and gratitude, Nancy

 

Good morning to our distinguished guests, proud family and friends, faculty and staff, but especially, good morning to the San Jose State University Class of 2014. And a big congratulations.

I am so honored to be part of this ceremony, especially to receive an Honorary Degree alongside the late Bill Hauck – a good and decent man, whose life of love and service would make a great commencement speech in itself. I was beyond flattered that my alma mater would ask me to speak at your graduation ceremony and, let me be really honest, I was terrified. Then I remembered hearing that giving a commencement speech is like being the body at a wake. They stick you out there for all to see, but deep down they really don’t want to hear a lot out of you.

With that comforting thought and knowing that most people have no memory of their commencement speakers, I think I can get beyond my fear.

Fear, of course, is a familiar theme in commencement speeches. When I think about it, most of my important transitions and choices and turning points started in fear.

I still remember moving from the East Coast to California with my mother and brother when I was in the fifth grade. We left family and friends and all we knew. And after five years in Catholic school, I was starting at public school in my plaid uniform because I had no other school clothes and called Mrs. Smurthwaite, Sister Smurthwaite out of habit (no pun intended).

There’s nothing scarier as a fifth grader than staring into the faces of a bunch of other fifth graders who are looking at you like you clearly don’t belong.

Years later, though I tried not to show it, I also was scared when I took the reverse trip from California back to the East Coast to go to Law School at the University of Virginia. I was once again entering foreign territory. Fear marked my decision to leave my law practice to join the burgeoning Presidential campaign of a then little-known Governor of Arkansas — a move I made on the advice of a wise mentor – the late Warren Christopher. If truth be told, I also did so to follow my heart because my boyfriend was set the join the campaign. But that’s another story and another speech. Back to fear.

Twelve years ago, I heard some of the most frightening words one could ever expect to hear – you have cancer.

Yes, at every big fork in the road in my life – at every point of my life – I’ve known fear.

A lot of people say that fear is good – Eleanor Roosevelt said that we should do one thing every day that scares us. I’m not so sure about that – but what I am sure of is that you can’t let fear stop you. You can’t let it stop you from facing those who think you don’t belong – because we can’t let the prejudices or meanness of others stand in our way. Besides, in the end, you might just win them over. I think I did.

You can’t let fear stop you from making big moves – literally or figuratively. And, most importantly, you can’t let fear stop you from living your life – with or without cancer.

As our former First Lady and outstanding journalist Maria Shriver has said, “Courage is walking though your fears with faith.” So with a little courage and lot of faith – here I go with the rest of this commencement speech.

To get my juices flowing, your probably can tell I read some commencement speeches – in fact, I read of a lot of commencement speeches. Most dispense sage advice for “the starting of your next chapter,” “the next phase of your life,” where you’re going to step into “the real world.” But, before getting to that what-you’re-going-to-do, where you’re going to be future, let’s take a pause.

In fact, a great commencement speech by Maria Shriver talks about “The Power of the pause.” She said to the students of USC: “Today, I have one wish for you. Before you go out and press that last fast-forward button, I’m hoping – I’m praying – that you’ll have the courage first to press the pause button.” “Pausing allows you to take a beat – to take a breath in your life.”

She went on to say, “I didn’t invent this stop-everything-and-pause-idea. Jesus fasted for forty days and nights in the desert. Henry David Thoreau went to Walden Pond. Ann Morrow Lindberg went to the sea. Buddha, Gandhi, Mother Teresa – the greatest and wisest have often stopped and withdrawn from active lives to journey within themselves. The wisdom they garnered there and shared with us impacted the world.”

“Don’t worry! I’m not asking you for 40 days and nights! I am asking you to stop every so often and turn off your mobile device and take a moment. Stop to look up and around. Pause and check in with yourself – and spend a moment there.”

I want to spend a moment – I want you to spend a moment – taking this in. Recognize what you’ve done and why we are celebrating you.

College graduation is not a given. Only 7 to 9% of the world’s adults have a college degree. Of course, the picture is much better in California and the US as a whole. Last year, about 1/3 of Americans, ages 25-29, had at least a bachelor’s degree.

But when we look at the least affluent among us, only about 1 in 10 Americans hold 4-year degrees by age 24 – the comparable share for people from the highest incomes was 7 in 10.
By the way, these statistics highlight one of those challenges. I hope you out there are ready to tackle the continuing and ever-growing inequality in income and opportunity in our country.

But I digress to the future and I want to remain here – in the present marking your phenomenal accomplishment.

You applied for college – you were accepted – and you did all that was asked of you (and probably more so, but we don’t talk about those things!) And you did it on average in 4.2 years.

There are very few times in life when you know so clearly that you have succeeded. Results are often mixed or you don’t realize for years that you actually did good. But here – today – know that you have achieved something worthwhile and tangible. Something that will make your life and the lives of others better. As my wise 22-year old goddaughter said, “there’s never a bad time to have a college degree.”

It took hard work to get you to this place. For many of you, it wasn’t easy and I’m not talking about that 8 a.m. class after a long night of drinking. You overcame obstacles to get here.

You did this the hard way while working full time or raising a family. You faced health crises or family tragedies. Some of you had to pave the way and are the very first member of your family to graduate from college.

However you got to this point – however hard or easy it was – whether you had support or not – no matter how prepared you were when you started – you did it. You are a college graduate and that is worth a pause. And maybe even some applause.

I’m sure you realize that as much as I praise and recognize the singular achievement that is your graduation – nothing is every truly done alone.

To those parents and siblings and spouses and friends. To those teachers and counselors and baristas at Starbucks. To all those who helped our graduates reach this milestone, we thank you and honor you too.

And graduates, I hope you’ve stopped along the way to show some gratitude to all those who had a part in helping you get to college and graduate. I hope you make gratitude part of your life.

Be grateful for things large and small. To people with a constant presence in your lives or that stranger who holds the door for you. There’s a power in gratitude – it wipes away disappointment and regret. It adds a little humility to our mix and takes us out of ourselves.

There is a power in kindness too. Both for the person on the receiving end of a kind act and for the person acting kind, being selfless, if only for a moment.

Last year, the author George Saunders told the students of Syracuse University that what he regretted most in life are “failures of kindness.” When I read that, I saw flashes of my own thoughtlessness and unkind acts over the years and realize Saunders was right about the regret. Those unkind acts, they still bother me. So what’s the big deal with learning to be kind?

Saunders believes that in many ways, we are wired to be selfish. David Foster Wallace in his brilliant commencement address called this “natural basic self-centeredness… our default setting.”

So, while I believe that, for the most part, we all want to be caring, unselfish beings – kindness, it turns out, is harder than it seems. It takes attention and awareness, discipline and effort.
As Saunders concluded in his kindness manifesto to the Class of 2013, you should work energetically, for the rest of your life on becoming kinder and more loving.

“Do all the other things,” he said, “the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in the wild jungle rivers – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness.”

Err in the direction of kindness. Advice worth passing on.

As I thought about the other pieces of advice I wanted to give you this morning, I was less interested in what you will do in your future and more interested in who you will be. Don’t get me wrong. I have high hopes for what you will do. You are California’s future. You will teach our children and care for our sick and find cures and create and build what we need and what we don’t even know we need.

You will, I hope, bring back a nobility to public service. You will, I trust, make our communities and our state better. You will, I hope, take on challenges beyond California’s borders. And we have many. I’ll mention just two.

The collision course we on with nature that is called climate change. Just think of the world we know literally disappearing.

Another great challenge, the oppression of girls and women in places around the globe. Just think of hundreds of girls being abducted or one brave girl being shot in the face simply because they wanted to go to school.

Yes, I hope you do change the world, as so many commencement speakers intone.

But I know that we’ll have a much better shot at the kind of world we want to live in if we’re the kind of people we want to be. The kind of people we ought to be.

For me, that means:

Try being kinder.

Be grateful.

Live consciously and aware and not on the default setting of self-centeredness.

Show courage and faith.

Have purpose and passion.

Trust in something, as Steve Jobs said in his famous commencement speech: “Trust in something — your gut, destiny, karma, whatever.” Trusting in my gut has helped me walk though fear and land in places an out-of-place fifth grader would never have imagined.

But beyond the places and the titles, what I value most in my journey is the family of friends I’ve built and the chance I’ve had to try to do some good in the world and do so alongside people I like and laugh with, people I respect and admire – as I do these days with our Governor and extraordinary team.

I’m so glad that three and a half years ago, when I had doubts and fears about going back into government, I didn’t give in to them.

Class of 2014 –

I hope, for your sake and for ours, you become the people you want to be.

I want you to be wowed by your achievement today – I am. And may you continue to be wowed by moments and days in your life and find wonder in the world around you.

I hope you live life not for the accolades but for the experience itself. David McCullough, Jr. captured this so well in his graduation speech to Wellesley High School: “Climb the mountain not to plant the flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.”

Class of 2014 –

From this speech, remember never be afraid to quote someone else – and never forget to laugh.

Graduates –

Whatever you plan to do with – in the words of the poet Mary Oliver – “your one wild and precious life,” I hope you don’t let fear stop you – I hope you take a pause every so often – and I wish you so much more than luck.

Congratulations and Thank you.